just a little update

The last year and a half has felt like the longest, most painful year and a half of my life. I don't mean to sound dramatic or to list my, what feels like, "first world problems" but i do mean that it has been an emotionally challenging year and a half.

When the relationship I thought would be my last before marriage suddenly ended, I felt confused and very angry. I blamed God and pointed fingers when it was simply just a human making a decision for himself and there was nothing wrong with that. Except, I let that anger continue to take root inside my heart and that is where I messed up. It's very hard to see a good and perfect Father through the lens of a broken and anger-filled mindset. So for the last year and a half I have been struggling to remind myself that my God is good and that my God has good plans for me. When I say that I've been struggling, I mean it in every sense of that word because transitioning out of an angry and bitter mindset might be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Because when a boy breaks your heart, friends let you down, close family members pass away, and you make some decisions people don't necessarily agree with, its hard to remember the truth that God is good. This was not meant to be a post about how bad or how hard I think my life is, but that's just the reality of it. Life is hard, man.  Life kicks you down and tears you apart. But it's also wonderful. I'm reminded every morning as I drive home from work that:
1. His mercies are new every morning. No matter what I've done that day or how I've acted, there is grace to try again tomorrow.
2. My God is good and He has good plans for me.
3. There is nothing I could do or say to separate me from the love of God.

I definitely do not have it together just because I'm making this post. I'm no where close, in fact, but there's a line from a song I heard recently that says, "You cannot imagine all the places you'll see Jesus, but you'll find Him everywhere you thought He wasn't suppose to go". That has hit me deep in this season because in the midst of what feels like the end of my world as I know it, He has been close. Even when I refused to recognize it. I've done my best to convince myself that because all these things have happened to me that God must not be as good or He must not love me as much as He used to but that's simply not the character of God.
He is good.
All the time.
No matter what.

I've decided to make a list of the places that I've found Jesus where I never thought I'd find Him in this season:
- coworkers who have only known me for two months but stick up for me/encourage me like family.
- precious babies born to family friends who thought they couldn't have babies (because God is good to keep his promises).
- honest to goodness, sometimes I see Him in my cat because he waits for me by the door every morning to love on me.
-in the death of my grandfather, who would've been given a cancer diagnosis had he lived four more days.
- in the faces of people who simply say, "I'm here for you anyway I can be" even when they may not understand.
- in every sunrise and every tear-filled car ride home, He's there.

I think sometimes that people don't see God in situations they think are terrible because they don't look for Him. I'm learning to look for God in every situation because He is there. And He is still good.