me again

Hey, me again. I've been thinking about how to write about this subject because I think it's a bit of a tough one,

A few weeks ago I came across this message by Louie Giglio entitled "Don't Give The Enemy a Seat At Your Table" and if you've talked to me at all within those fews weeks you've probably heard me mention it because honestly it has completely changed my life. In this message he didn't say anything super profound or really deep, but I can't stop thinking about it. He reads from Psalm 23, which may be one of the most well known passages in scripture (like I said, nothing super deep). Verse 5 reads, "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.." and he begins to explain the way that The Lord prepares a table for us everyday. He wants to eat with us and talk with us and share things with us. It's who He is as a Father. Louie also points out that at a table set for two it is very easy for others to come up and join your table, which is what the enemy tries to do. He tries to bring worry to your table, he tries to bring fear to your table, he tries to bring temptation to your table, he tries to bring whatever it is that he knows will get to you to the table that The Lord has prepared for you. It is our decision to allow him to stay or tell him to get away from our table. I think my favorite part of this message was when Louie says, "You can tell him that he may prowl around and sneak around this table all he wants, but he cannot sit down". It's something I think about every second of every day because I tend to worry. Like a lot. About everything.

With that being said, a little over a week ago I let the enemy have my table. I had what the ER doctor told me was an anxiety attack. I had been working so hard to remind myself that the enemy does not get to bring worry to my table and when the enemy sees that you are aware of his schemes and you are taking steps to draw closer to the Lord, he will find an opening and attack. And that's exactly what he did. I was in a hurry and not checking up on myself or my thoughts that night and the next thing I know I am sitting in the floor of Sam's Club hyperventilating and completely unable the catch my breath. No matter how many times my coworkers, the EMTs, or the nurses told me to breath I just couldn't do it. I couldn't catch my breath. The enemy brought worry to my table and I let him. He took a swing at me and hit me in just the right spot and then he continued to hit me. The whole time I was trying to focus on catching my breath the only thing I could think about was how stupid I looked sitting on the floor crying in front of my friends. In the scariest, most vulnerable moment of my life they were watching me completely fall apart. I mean, come on, breathing?? Your body is suppose to do it involuntarily and that was all I could think about. The enemy was at my table. Not just at my table, but it seemed like he had completely pushed Jesus out of the way and He was no where in sight.

But I think my favorite thing about Jesus is that even when we feel like He's no where in sight and we can't seem to find Him anywhere, He's actually closer than He's ever been. He never even left.

Here are a few reminders I wanted to leave you with:
-Jesus is there. In the midst of the broken and scary and unknown, He's there. Look for Him because you'll find Him.
-Keep trusting. Keeping trusting in people, they always seem to surprise me. Keep trusting in the Lord because He is always, always faithful.
-REST. You can't do it all and it's stupid to think that you can.
-Breathe! Life can be crazy. Take a minute, breathe, remind yourself that you control your emotions, they do not control you. Remind yourself that you're not weak for needing a moment to catch your breath.
-Do not give the enemy a seat at your table. The Lord prepared the table for the two of you. Tell the enemy he wasn't invited.

just a little update

The last year and a half has felt like the longest, most painful year and a half of my life. I don't mean to sound dramatic or to list my, what feels like, "first world problems" but i do mean that it has been an emotionally challenging year and a half.

When the relationship I thought would be my last before marriage suddenly ended, I felt confused and very angry. I blamed God and pointed fingers when it was simply just a human making a decision for himself and there was nothing wrong with that. Except, I let that anger continue to take root inside my heart and that is where I messed up. It's very hard to see a good and perfect Father through the lens of a broken and anger-filled mindset. So for the last year and a half I have been struggling to remind myself that my God is good and that my God has good plans for me. When I say that I've been struggling, I mean it in every sense of that word because transitioning out of an angry and bitter mindset might be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Because when a boy breaks your heart, friends let you down, close family members pass away, and you make some decisions people don't necessarily agree with, its hard to remember the truth that God is good. This was not meant to be a post about how bad or how hard I think my life is, but that's just the reality of it. Life is hard, man.  Life kicks you down and tears you apart. But it's also wonderful. I'm reminded every morning as I drive home from work that:
1. His mercies are new every morning. No matter what I've done that day or how I've acted, there is grace to try again tomorrow.
2. My God is good and He has good plans for me.
3. There is nothing I could do or say to separate me from the love of God.

I definitely do not have it together just because I'm making this post. I'm no where close, in fact, but there's a line from a song I heard recently that says, "You cannot imagine all the places you'll see Jesus, but you'll find Him everywhere you thought He wasn't suppose to go". That has hit me deep in this season because in the midst of what feels like the end of my world as I know it, He has been close. Even when I refused to recognize it. I've done my best to convince myself that because all these things have happened to me that God must not be as good or He must not love me as much as He used to but that's simply not the character of God.
He is good.
All the time.
No matter what.

I've decided to make a list of the places that I've found Jesus where I never thought I'd find Him in this season:
- coworkers who have only known me for two months but stick up for me/encourage me like family.
- precious babies born to family friends who thought they couldn't have babies (because God is good to keep his promises).
- honest to goodness, sometimes I see Him in my cat because he waits for me by the door every morning to love on me.
-in the death of my grandfather, who would've been given a cancer diagnosis had he lived four more days.
- in the faces of people who simply say, "I'm here for you anyway I can be" even when they may not understand.
- in every sunrise and every tear-filled car ride home, He's there.

I think sometimes that people don't see God in situations they think are terrible because they don't look for Him. I'm learning to look for God in every situation because He is there. And He is still good.